Monday, March 1, 2010

Hold that elevator, please

I work in a wing of a building that has 10 floors and using the elevator is taken for granted. While the signs on the wall above the arrow buttons says "Walk up one, or down two", I usually quietly laugh at it while I press the up arrow to go one floor.

Lately, I have been trying to take the stairs due to my expanding waist line. Some mornings, though, at 6:30 AM I just do not feel like walking up the stairs, so I head for the elevator. Now, if I do this, there is a certain pattern that I do.

- I make sure no one is behind me, so I will not be shamed into only going "up one" in the elevator instead of "up one" using the stairs. I quickly walk to the elevator to round the corner before anyone gets there, looking over my shoulder or in the reflective marble as many times as I can.

- During this quick walking, I am praying that one of the four elevators is waiting for me - doors wide open, inviting me in.

- I dive into the elevator, hiding behind the little wall feverishly depressing the "close door" button, trying not to be seen hopefully closing the door on any unsuspecting approaching person - yelling "hold that door." If someone does come up, I pretend and apologize for not knowing the difference between the symbols for close door and open door - as the doors are closing. (To my defense, these do confuse people. See the below picture. The arrow shows the "open door", or is it the "close door", oh hell, I don't know...)

- If someone does happen upon the elevator, when I can't close the door fast enough, I will hit the 6th floor button saying "I usually walk to my office on the 6th floor, but I pulled my tibialus anterior muscle training for my fifth ironman yesterday, and my orthopaedic doctor told me to rest it this week." I stand grimacing like I am in pain, favoring my leg (I think I said the right muscle).....and with my good fortune, this person wants to go to the 6th floor as well. So now I have to limp off the elevator (after they so graciously hold the door for me) and hopefully walk the direction they are not going....and if they do go my way, then I go to the rest room, duck in their for a second or two, come back out of the rest room, head to the elevator and go back down to my floor...all of this for just missing out on 22 stairs to climb.

Always a fun way to start the day.

What I will do not to walk up the stairs...

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Weight, Weight, Sit Next to Me!

Size is back in the news. Which should make Skippy happy since he loves those WalMart photos of the overweight, badly dressed people shopping with their kin folk.

I have a lot to say on the subject of size and obesity but I think the bigger discussion right now is Kevin Smith and the airlines. As you know, Kevin Smith was kicked off a Southwest flight for being overweight. He took his gripe to Twitter and ended up with a big, fat apology (and probably free airline tickets). The issue of size aside, I think Southwest was wrong to boot him off simply because they are inconsistent with their enforcement of the rule. If the rule exists and you're going to enforce it then do so across the board.

I read a review of 'Fatgate' by a writer who had a suggestion I loved. If the airlines are going to enforce this rule then they should set up a fat sizer (like the luggage sizer you see at boarding). It will consist of three airline seats. If you're not sure you can fit comfortably in your assigned, paid for seat, sit in the middle seat of the fat sizer, grab two passersby and make them sit next to you. If you can't comfortably put your armrests down without disturbing them - you're too fat to fly this airline. Of course the problem with that is that as small as those airline seats are, the flight is only going to be a third full.

The other problem is, it only solves the weight issue. What about the six foot giant that sits behind me and accidentally kicks my seat all the way to Florida every time he moves because he has legs like Seabiscuit? What rights do I have then?

And why stop there? If we're going to discriminate let's kick off all the screaming kids while we are at it. Strap that 18 month old into the fat sizer, give him a juice box and some goldfish crackers and see how long he can sit there without crying or having to get up to use the bathroom. If he can't make it to at least 30 minutes (and which kid can) he gets booted.

Heck, use that same test with the over 80 crowd - guess what folks, more seats have just become available!

Smelly people? Gone!

People who snore loudly? Gone!

Chatty Kathy's who insist on striking up conversations with you? Gone!

I bet it wouldn't take much effort for us to whittle down this acceptance list to me, you, and 200 of our closest friends.

And that's what I'm talking about - a plane full of funny, drunk people I like to call my family & friends :)

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

When I Grow Up I Want to be a Meteorologist

otherwise known as "How to Have a Career with Zero Responsibility".

Every now and then when I'm at my job-of-19-years I like to entertain myself with thoughts of what I will be in my next career. I've narrowed down the field to weather person. As far as I know it's the one job that pays you to make predictions and will likely even give you a bonus if you're wrong.

By now you're probably sick of hearing about our Snowmaggedon, Snowpocalypse or even our Snoverkill or Clusterflake. Take it from me, you're not nearly as tired of it as we are.

Apparently Mother Nature has no respect for the Mason-Dixon line which clearly dictates that my state and I are located in the south. And everything I learned in elementary school told me that the south was warm. WARM!! Not buried under biblical amounts of snow.

Unlike other people I know, I don't live in a state of white purgatory. I live in the land of Natty Boh, crabs, and men in uniform - all things best enjoyed when it is at least eighty degrees out. Instead I've spent almost two weeks watching my partner shovel over foot feet of snow from one spot to another while I sat inside watching a Jersey Shore marathon suffering from the worst virus I've ever experienced.

Here are a few things (according to me) to be concerned about when your state receives 4+ feet of snow in less than a week (and you don't live in the north that is used to such things):

  • Where to put the snow once you remove it from your sidewalks, car, deck, roof, etc.
  • Performing the prayer for power 50 times a day
  • Your dog spending all of his time outside eating the snow and then coming in the house to pee all over your new carpet, new hardwood floors, bedding, etc.
  • Where to put the snow once you remove it AGAIN from your sidewalks, car, deck, roof, etc.
  • Icicles. Gigantic, death inducing icicles that could easily kill your dog if you don't remember to knock them down before they melt (it was a close call).
You would think that after surviving two blizzards within five days of each other we would be due for an early spring. Instead the local weatherman has a surprise for us.


More snow.

I can only hope that 1-3 inches of snow after 4 feet isn't really going to freak out the commuters but I think there's a better chance the weatherman is going to get a bonus.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Friday Clip O' Laughter - Super Bowl Style

In honor of the great event happening this Sunday - you know the commercials during the Super Bowl - we have pulled together a couple of good ones that I think should be seen by all (well, the three people reading this).

This one is so reminscent of our swear jar post...and I think is just as funny - "It is chilly in here..."

Paying homage to my Walmart fetish and my favorite character on Modern Family, here is new one I find quite amusing...

So, enjoy the Super Bowl...because we all know why we watch it.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Wednesday WTFs

Why when I have over 190 "friends" on Facebook didn't anyone call or email and invite us to do anything when I posted that we had nothing to do over a weekend when our plans changed?

Why is Cynthia Nixon's girlfriend really homely and not very attractive?

Why does Progressive Insurance want to now have the most annoying character(s) in an insurance commercial...namely Flo?

While it was an awesone job, why did Pink think it would be fun to spin around above the stage and sing?

When a Mid-Atlantic weatherperson gives us a forecast, why do we believe them?

Monday, February 1, 2010

...and we're back

You know it's been awhile since you have blogged when you can't remember your login name and password. For both of you that missed us and begged for our return - we thank you (Mom's what would do without you?)

I could offer you up a couple hundred excuses as to why we have been so ridiculously lame about ignoring our blog but let's be honest - you don't give a crap. And that's okay by us because when it comes right down to it we don't give a crap about your excuses either. And fair is fair.

I've spent the past few months drowning my sorrows in Fat Tire beer writing for work instead of fun which, quite frankly, is not as much fun. Mostly because I can't use words like crap, poo and Brazilian wax and somehow make them feel relevant to a government contract about the environment (believe me, I tried). I still have dozens of pages of bullshit incredible insight to share with the tree huggers, but there is only so much one can write about compost. So for a little breath of fresh air I thought I would let you know what future posts hold in store for you:

  • What's cold, wet, pretty for a day, then annoying as hell?
  • Grandpop's gonads
  • My apps
  • Meat haters

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Friday, November 13, 2009

Friday Clip O' Laughter - Modern Family

Ok, so I touted Modern Family weeks ago but I just had to show some more of my favorite clips. If you have not seen this show, you must tune in...and tell Nielson that I sent you.

I must say, I was touting this show WEEKS ago, before it was all the rage...now millions are watching, and I want to say it here first....I was DVRing it before anyone even thought about seeing the former Al Bundy laying out by his pool (remind me to lay next to him in my bathing suit...I will look so much better) with his hot Columbian wife, and the ice dancing team of "Fire and Nice".

Here is a clip that makes me laugh eveytime I watch it. Enjoy....and I bet you can't not laugh. (sorry for the short commercial, but leave it to Disney, Mickey needs a new pair of shows I guess...)